self-growth

Allow myself to feel fully

I am sitting across from my father in our kitchen table, which was designed for 4 but where usually a large crowd of 5-6 gathered for meals on recent weekends.   We try to replace the loneliness inside with the number of people in our presence.

Now we are alone for our weekday dinner.  We both feel lonely while we chew our food, which I cooked and I am sure it doesn’t taste that good to him.  I don’t and can’t cook like my mom.  He is missing her, missing his old self; I am missing my mom, my energetic even if anxious dad, my child who is thousands of miles away and even my partner in my troubled marriage.

Embrace my, your and their otherness

Being afraid of my own differences.

Since I started writing, whether in my journal or in my novel, I have deliberately tried to hide my own ethnic background.  I told myself I could attract a wider audience this way because most English-speaking readers are after all not Chinese.  I told myself it was a business decision.   That might be true, but ultimately,  I have to admit, it is because I am still insecure and worry about not being accepted.